I want a do over.

I was at my little cousin’s 2 year birthday party this weekend.  Watching her Mom and Dad with her was amazing.  She is kind of a miracle child since it took many years for my cousin to carry to term.  But, should that make you cherish your child more?

I always feel like I’m the worst mother of the year(s).  Then again I have such a habit of always focusing on the negative that I’d think that regardless.

I want a do over of the past 6 years.  I want to take my child to the park more, the zoo more, on road trips.  I want to read to her more, let her sleep in my bed more.  I want to sit on the floor and play with her more.  I want to yell at her less, snap at her less.  I want to reinforce the positive more and relax during the rough patches.  

What an impact you have on a little ones life.  A responsibility I never wanted to take on most my life.  Yet, it was for different reasons.  I didn’t want a child because I thought I’d be freaking out all the time that I couldn’t keep them safe.  That and crowning, but a c-section took care of that one.

Alas, a broken condom and my world changed.  Though I cried and cried and cried the day I found out I was pregnant I knew I could only make one choice.  I knew I’d have the child and raise that child and love that child.  I am raising her and loving her.  I guess I wish I was a better person to make her a better person.

So I can’t get a do over.  But, I can make better choices from here on out for her and for me.

Yeah, I ramble a lot.