When it's beautiful to cry.

I've cried more this year than in the last couple of years.  I've cried over:
Being Sick
Fighting with my boyfriend
Fighting with my child
Depression
Break up with boyfriend
Finances
Vehicles
Work
Lack of energy
Alarm clocks
Being lonely
Being single again
Crazy dogs
Crazy family
Cried and cried and cried over anything and everything.

Tonight I cried but it was actually a happy beautiful moment.  I was in bed watching Lifetime Movie Network.  Watching "Dan in Real Life" followed by "In the land of Women".  Both great movies.  Here comes Grace and Blue.  Right into the middle of my big 'ol lonely queen size monster bed.

Grace buries under the covers after a little bit.  Stretches her hands up so one hand will touch my face.  I asked, "What are you doing next?"  Thinking half the lights are on, the tv in the living room, front door is probably open, garage door open, laundry waiting.  "I don't know", she says.  I look down and her eyes are closed.

In that moment her soft breathing, her hand on my face, button nose, full lips, long lashes, light brown perfect skin.  Blue at our feet stretched out.  A perfect moment.  The tears just rolled down my cheeks as she slept next to me.

In all the madness I've created and felt in my world this year it was a moment to treasure and a moment to remember.  My life is madness right now.  But, so much of it will pass.  Paying off bills, getting the vehicle fixed, keep exercising, find inner peace, get rid of his stuff, organize the closets, send things to Good Will, catch up on dishes, cleaning, laundry.  But, in all this chaos one perfect moment lasts a lifetime.  It reminded me that one of my favorite sayings was always "I'm right were I'm suppose to be at this point in time.".  And I feel that way tonight more than I have in the past 6 months.  I'm back on track.  I know I'm back on track and back to me and my life.

There is a reason I'm going through this year.  A reason, a season, a purpose...

Superwoman Complex – Complete Myth?

Why do I fret if the house is not spotless?  Why do I fret if I have an outburst with Grace?  Why do I fret if the laundry or dishes aren’t done?  Why do I fret if I don’t take Grace to the park after school?  Why do I fret if the grass is a little taller than I think it should be?  If I haven’t dusted, went to the gym, haven’t posted a blog, haven’t caught up on work, haven’t caught up on Twitter, haven’t mopped, taken the dog for a walk (which I rarely do), volunteer for Meals on Wheels, volunteer anywhere, sit in on Grace’s classes or chaperone one of her outings.  Oh the list goes on and on and on.  

I am not Superwoman.  Never was and never will be.  Lighten up and take a load off….my shoulders.

I feel less of a woman because I can’t do it all.  I think other women do great and fit it all in with a spouse and more than one child and one dog.  I have dreams they can work full time, raise 2+ kids, clean the house, work in the garden, dine out with friends, take exercise classes, and keep up on laundry and dishes with ease and grace.  Do they?  I don’t know because I’m not one of ‘them’.  Is it a myth?

I’m a single mom that has energy every other day to do something…so tackle laundry or dishes – not both.  Hell, I don’t even make a decent dinner every night.  It could be fending for yourself or like last night grilled chicken wraps, baked sweet potato fries, and granted from a can Mandarin oranges…but my child loves Mandarin oranges.  Tonight ham steak, fresh asparagus and corn on the cob, but not until after I take a nap.  That means dishes from last night are still piled high and I think I have a load in the wash that has been there 2 days now.  They’ll have to be re-rinsed.

Am I the only one?  The only one that struggles to do it all knowing they are failing.  So I have started prioritizing.  Make sure I get to the gym, patience with getting Grace ready for school, healthier dinners I hope.  But, still want a nap tonight instead of dishes or laundry or picking up the living room and cleaning the office.  So how do I look past the mess – the dirty dishes, soiled laundry, toys all over the living room?  Another thing to figure out.

How Do You Gain 2 Pounds?

You gain two pounds by finally exercising at least 4 times a week for a month.  This consists of 30 minutes around target heart rate.  Doesn’t include warm up and cool down.  Anywhere from 37 plus minutes.  Sometimes twice a day if you get back on during your daughter’s swim lessons.   The walk on the treadmill has a variety such as 2.8 speed but 7 incline, or 1 incline and 3.3 to 3.4 speed.  The variation depends on my knees, shins, arches, feet.  It’s never my heart, upper body, breathing, sweating that gets me.  I just think my feet are tired of carry all this weight around.

Doesn't mean I'm always lazy at home hiding behind the computer working.  I still mow, weed-eat, go up and down the stairs to carry laundry, dishes, cleaning, sweeping, mopping.  Not daily, but hey it's there. And sometimes walks with Grace and Blue, or a bike ride.  Working on being more active.  Better than I used to be ok!  And, my beginning goal in exercising was to gain back energy after being sick for 4 months where all I did was sleep and sleep and sleep.  Followed by an emotional breakdown after the break-up of my engagement.  Something had to give or change so out of the blue...hey let's go exercise!

Ok...continuing on - How Do You Gain 2 Pounds?

Eat by making subtle changes, less fried foods, more water, pretty much a yogurt everyday (orders of Urologist from having a reoccurring UTI for 4 months straight), more salads.  

So gain 2 pounds?  I used to not exercise, ate what I wanted, when I wanted which included a lot of fried foods.  I could maintain my weight maybe an up and down of 5 pounds.  Now, the slight changes I’ve made and I’ve gained two pounds.

Why?  I don’t stop eating.  Even too much of a good thing is too much.  I believe in the calories in calories out though.  I could eat my calories in M&Ms and it would be the same as eating it in lettuce.  The difference is choosing the best foods for your body to utilize and process.  Fuel.  Food should be fuel.

My life food has never been fuel.  Food has been poverty and sharing what you have with 5 others so you take more than you need so you don’t end up hungry.  Food has been a pain soother to escape a drunken father.  Food has been a man repellent trying to prove a drunken man wrong about women being the root of evil by using sex as a weapon.  I guess he firmly believing that behind every powerful man there is a more powerful women in bed who dictated his career moves.  Finishing your plate at a restaurant because you worked hard for your money to pay for ALL that food.  I’ve used food to hide loneliness, depression, and I’m sure emotions I’ve yet to discover.  I’ve used food for taste, and addiction to chocolate, Mexican food, Italian food.  Eating more and more because it tastes so good.

Thus, I’ve always been overweight.  But to hit a high on the scale where it hasn’t went higher.  Granted it has been higher.  In fact 25 pounds more when I got pregnant.  There going the theory that the more I would weigh the more men would not want to be with me.  I’m sure that is true for some of the available men pool out there.  Now that I’m older and single that narrows the selection.  Many men will discriminate on size and have a right to.  I’m a 22/24, more on the 24 for jeans.  That’s not small but I always say I carry it well on my 5’7” frame.  And, I want to be able to discriminate back based on my preference in a man.  (Love sexy runner legs).  Then not to mention the all time high weight during pregnancy.  But bouncing right back to my “maintenance” weight.  Not where I want to be now.

How do I stop eating?  How do I stop binge eating?  How do I stop eating things that are bad for me?  Questions that have never had answer for many years.  Questions I have to figure out.  I cannot exercise the weight off if I keep eating it back on.

I need a Man Today but I Won’t Need One Tomorrow

I stood in the shower yesterday and cried and cried.  Upset that I was alone and lonely, that I'd lost myself in a relationship I thought wouldn’t end but did.

I fought with the seat on the bicycle to raise it and swap the seat for a more comfy one for my wide load.  Why are bike seats so small?  The bike is still winning.

I mowed the lawn but balked at dragging down the weed-eater and putting in new string.

I forget the garbage on most Tuesday nights.

I actually silently blessed my mom for returning cans, not that I didn’t thank her.  But, that was not my ‘job duty’ as a couple.

I now cook, not that I couldn’t, but I didn’t have to. 

I now sweep and mop, again not because I couldn’t, but I didn’t have to.

I no longer sleep on one side of the bed, because I now have the queen size monster to myself.  I occasionally even let the dog, Blueberry Cupcake Sparkles, sleep with me.  She did before I was engaged, so why not again being single.  However, it’s only after Grace is asleep because she thinks Blue should always sleep with her.  Blue’s not going to rat me out on that one.

Some nights I stare at the pillow next to me.  I envision him laying there …the one I won’t let return, Mr. Casey’s, or the one I haven’t met yet.  And ache for the spooning, cuddling, sex, body heat, kisses…all the good stuff.

Though it sounds like I only wanted a handy man, it’s not that.  It’s the sharing responsibilities, talking, listening, human touch, and building a better life for each other through the little things, the everyday things, and even the big things.  It’s feeling safe, connected, loved, needed, and respected.  It’s laughing in a rain storm in a wet tent, playing cards until midnight even if you are losing your ass.  It’s holding hands during a movie, or snuggling on the couch.  It’s sharing common interests and learning about things you are not so interested in.  

But, when those things are set aside for anger, jealousy, destruction you can be lonely when you are not alone.  You no longer feel safe, connected, loved, needed, or respected.  You don’t laugh, you don’t hold hands, you don’t snuggle. You don’t want to hear anything in common or uncommon.  You spiral down and lose yourself until you just want out and you GET OUT.

So now I am alone and get lonely. Then the anger, hurt, and frustration creep up from the bottom of my gut.

And so tomorrow I won’t need a man, the one I won’t let return or Mr. Casey’s or the one I haven’t met yet.  I won’t need a man until I’m lonely again.  I’ll figure out how to get the bike fixed, I’ll get the weed-eater down, I’ll have my crying fits, I’ll cook, I’ll mop, and I’ll go on.  I’ll keep working  towards letting go of the anger, hurt and frustration.  Eventually loving myself again, and letting someone in again.

Failing Fast as Parent of the Year

I know I asked Grace like 20 times (more or less) last night to go to sleep.  I think it was close to midnight before I didn’t hear her anymore.  The dread sank in even before then.  More like at 9:00 pm when she was just going to bed.  Who likes Monday’s anyway?  Yet knowing it would be a horrific hour to get her off to school made it even more dreadful.

Yep, fighting all morning to get her up and even get the covers off her.  For being asleep she can play tug-o-war really well.  Then the raspberries start, the talking back and the dagger stares.  I just implode and explode.  Not sure which or I guess both.  Let us just say I lose it.  My temper, my cool, my logic, my lovability factor goes out the nearest window.  So fast and so quick it shatters the window into a million pieces.  There is no recovery.  The damage is done and I never know how to repair it.

Here I am screaming at a 6 year old at 7:42 in the morning.  This is a good 30 minutes into trying to get her out of bed.  “You’re going to be late!  You only have 15 minutes!  You aren’t going to have time for breakfast!  Do you even want your hair done!  Get OUT OF BED NOW!”  That wasn’t so bad until she had started back in with her mean words and the raspberries again.  I feel like I’m 6 too.  How can I let a 6 year old dictate my morning?  I crashed and burned.  Screaming that I’m not making breakfast and that I’m not fixing her hair.  She can finish getting dressed on her own and out the door on her own and I stomped off.

What is wrong with me?  Not that we don’t fight but since it’s been back to just her and me it has been tenfold.  Her attitude and my temper.  I hear myself speaking in my head, talking to myself about keeping my cool, prioritizing my time to spend more with her.  Talking to myself about what’s important and if it takes her 4 instead of 2 minutes to put on her shoes why is that any critical rule breaking element in the scheme of happiness and our relationship.  It all sounds reasonable and doable.  Then she talks back, won’t clean her room, doesn’t like what’s for dinner, cries if it isn’t McDonalds, drags out toys all over the living room, refuses to go into stores without lugging some stuffed animal, bag, candy, or anything that might be left behind or after 2 minutes thrust into my hands.

Now we are arguing over bedtime.  Any time between 7:30 and 8:00 pm is bedtime.  It’s now 7:51 and because it is so light out it must not really be her bedtime.  Now the delays start.  I’m hungry, I’m thirsty, can I play one more game, I forgot to put my bike in the garage, or can I take a bath…and on and on.  We did have a much better evening and night.  She rode her bike, played computer games, we sat and had dinner and did her homework.  I told her I would stop doing anything extra for her if she continued to be ungrateful for the things she gets to do.  Be happy you get to play a few computer games not upset that the time is over for games.  It seemed logical to her and she did apologize once for mouthing off earlier in the evening.  Yet, I feel she should be nice regardless of bribery.

Is she a product of me...6 years of my behavior.  Is she just this way?  Do children react by who they are, how they were raised, what they learn in school, environmental factors? Was I ever that bad?  Is it as bad as it seems or is it my world crumbling making everything around me seem more out of order and chaotic?  Then again her behavior with me is always 10x worse around me compared to time with Grandma or other friends and family. 

But in the end I love her so deeply.  In the end I give in more frequently and quicker.  Is this a product of the last 5 or 6 months of my life?  Trying to avoid life and whine about it instead of waking up and living it again?  Am I so weak as to let my recent illness and recent break up cripple me so easily? Am I going to die soon?  No.  Am I going to be chronically ill?  No.  Am I going to be alone the rest of my life?  Like I have a crystal ball!

Saturdays, Guests, Habits, Potentials, & Catching Up

Five subjects on my mind today that might be a little long to take from me.

Saturdays – Summer is coming though you couldn’t tell by the 50 degree weather today.  Yet Saturdays starting in April (sometimes March) become the day of garage sales.  Only because I don’t have enough crap in my house.  I have my crap, my ex’s, my daughter’s, some leftovers from my sister (it is her house I am renting), and her two kids.  Though one has his own place and one is away at college this is still home to them.  I guess they should be thankful someone else didn’t rent the place.  I think it might have been inappropriate to show up at 2:30 am and need their old room back for the night.

I enjoy finding the bargains.  A perfectly great bike for $10, a new pair of Asics Gels for $3, a corkboard for $1, and I have been collecting wooden boxes.  The boxes must be brown and have cool engravings or color pattern to be deemed acceptable to sit on my shelf. 

I miss sleeping in as I did on Saturdays in the winter time.  Getting up, cleaning, and then doing nothing the rest of the cold day.  Now I have traded in sleep and cleaning for spending money and exhaustion.  But I love it.  Yet the house is not as clean as it could or should be.  I certainly don’t come home and clean.  I take a nap and watch TV or read.  I’m hoping when it gets warmer, and not as rainy as today I will replace the nap or evening TV with a nice bike ride with Grace.

Guests – Maybe I should say family and their friends.  I do appreciate the armed forces and it feels kinda patriotic to have them around the house.  But, my nephew needed up at 3:00 to get ready to check in to the Reserves and his roommate is up before 7:00 to check in to the National Guard.  Where does this leave me?  Sleep deprived because I hear it all or if not the dog lets me know something is going on.  Not that 3:00 would have bothered me, but the dog was going mad wanting to go outside.  Could the nephew do that?  He can help defend the country but at the same time let the poor dog whine and suffer while doing the pee pee dance.  It just made me a little more exhausted at the end of the garage sales today.

Habits – Bad or good they are both hard to stop and hard to start.  Starting point includes for me eating healthy, continue exercising, and keep a ‘diet’ going.  ‘Diet’ because it should be just a combination of healthy living and nix the word diet from the vocabulary.  Bad habits include going to the casino.  This isn’t bad if I’d budget more appropriately which means spend less.  (More on budget issues on a later day.) The worst is gravitating toward everything my ex would like while browsing tables at each sale.  I think “Oh, he’d really like the fishing rod, or that grill, or that drill, or this or that…”  Quite depressing.  Money saver but makes me sad to be alone again.  When will this habit end?  When will I go past the filet knife, the antique cooler, the Indian prints and close my eyes and mind to the past 16 months.

Potentials – Speaking of sad to be alone.  Dear man at Casey’s you were smoking hot and I’m glad we couldn’t keep our eyes off each other.  However, as I’ve told my friends and family I should just stamp ‘ASSHOLE’ on your forehead and move on.  But, nothing wrong in looking and that quick flash of butterflies through the stomach.   So sorry Mr. Man at Casey’s if I was the only one with a staring problem.  Sorry to Cranky Single Mom for not having balls to do anything about this moment in time that felt like it lasted forever.

Catching Up – I read all the Harry Potter books.  I even stood at Hy-Vee waiting on midnight to get a copy of The Deathly Hallows. I am behind on the movies.  I just finished The Half-Blood Prince.  Grace and I are going to go crawl into my bed (‘my’ bed no longer an ‘our’ bed) and watch The Deathly Hallows Part I.

Have now since seen the movie.  Talk about cranky!  My internet hit an all time low.  Didn’t think I’d be back on all weekend.