I need a Man Today but I Won’t Need One Tomorrow

I stood in the shower yesterday and cried and cried.  Upset that I was alone and lonely, that I'd lost myself in a relationship I thought wouldn’t end but did.

I fought with the seat on the bicycle to raise it and swap the seat for a more comfy one for my wide load.  Why are bike seats so small?  The bike is still winning.

I mowed the lawn but balked at dragging down the weed-eater and putting in new string.

I forget the garbage on most Tuesday nights.

I actually silently blessed my mom for returning cans, not that I didn’t thank her.  But, that was not my ‘job duty’ as a couple.

I now cook, not that I couldn’t, but I didn’t have to. 

I now sweep and mop, again not because I couldn’t, but I didn’t have to.

I no longer sleep on one side of the bed, because I now have the queen size monster to myself.  I occasionally even let the dog, Blueberry Cupcake Sparkles, sleep with me.  She did before I was engaged, so why not again being single.  However, it’s only after Grace is asleep because she thinks Blue should always sleep with her.  Blue’s not going to rat me out on that one.

Some nights I stare at the pillow next to me.  I envision him laying there …the one I won’t let return, Mr. Casey’s, or the one I haven’t met yet.  And ache for the spooning, cuddling, sex, body heat, kisses…all the good stuff.

Though it sounds like I only wanted a handy man, it’s not that.  It’s the sharing responsibilities, talking, listening, human touch, and building a better life for each other through the little things, the everyday things, and even the big things.  It’s feeling safe, connected, loved, needed, and respected.  It’s laughing in a rain storm in a wet tent, playing cards until midnight even if you are losing your ass.  It’s holding hands during a movie, or snuggling on the couch.  It’s sharing common interests and learning about things you are not so interested in.  

But, when those things are set aside for anger, jealousy, destruction you can be lonely when you are not alone.  You no longer feel safe, connected, loved, needed, or respected.  You don’t laugh, you don’t hold hands, you don’t snuggle. You don’t want to hear anything in common or uncommon.  You spiral down and lose yourself until you just want out and you GET OUT.

So now I am alone and get lonely. Then the anger, hurt, and frustration creep up from the bottom of my gut.

And so tomorrow I won’t need a man, the one I won’t let return or Mr. Casey’s or the one I haven’t met yet.  I won’t need a man until I’m lonely again.  I’ll figure out how to get the bike fixed, I’ll get the weed-eater down, I’ll have my crying fits, I’ll cook, I’ll mop, and I’ll go on.  I’ll keep working  towards letting go of the anger, hurt and frustration.  Eventually loving myself again, and letting someone in again.