Addictions…yeah we all got ‘em.

Spent most of two weekends ago dragging my mom to the casino.  Lakeside in Osceola.  Why not, Grace spent two nights at my cousin’s house.  I was a free woman for the weekend.

This after Grace spent Thursday night at the babysitters.

Addictions…that was the subject.  I love to gamble.  Yeah, addicted to gambling.  Could it be worse?  Oh yeah.  I don’t drink.  Retract that.  I seldom if ever drink, but don’t mind a couple times of year having either a great glass or two of a good chilled red sweat wine or a daiquiri. 

I don’t do drugs.  I’ll even volunteer a lock of hair to have it tested.  Not that I didn’t ever experiment when I was younger.

I certainly have an addiction to chocolate.  Almost any and all if it doesn’t include mint in it.

We all have addictions of some kind.  I think so.  Whether gambling, drugs, alcohol, exercising, food addictions I think we all have a few.

Here’s where I rationalize.  Isn’t that a trait of an addict, to rationalize.  I had a boyfriend who swears he could function better high than not high.  I find the ‘highly’ unlikely.  Maybe I could find it ‘highly’ delusional.

What’s my rational?  I pay my bills.  I may not pay them off early.  I may not stop myself from increasing them either.  Thus, logically I’d have less debt and rack up less debt if I didn’t gamble.  But, I still pay my bills.

What else?  My child does not suffer in terms of food, clothing, shelter, etc.  Maybe the most suffering she does is less time with me and more time with family, friends, and a babysitter.  Though mostly it is during the night time so she’d be sleeping anyway.

See, rationalizing can work.

Do I win?  Seldom if ever do I hit big.  Even if I do, it usually means I can just stay longer and play more and more and more games. Though I was proud of my $315 jackpot…that we put back in.  We being Mom and me.  Yeah I drag her along but have to fund her habit too.  But, night two, left $12 up.  Great weekend.

What’s the attraction?  I zone out.  I can lose track of time, not think of things that bother me.  I might get a little anxious on wanting to win and not lose.  But, time passes so quickly.  It’s very mind freeing to me.  Same as if it were my mom putting together a jigsaw puzzle.

When I get nervous, uptight, anxious, stressed at home it’s the first thing I want to do.  It’s my calmer, my center.  

Though it would be great to win more frequently.  Or be smart enough to walk out when I am ahead.

I fell off!

I fell off every wagon I’ve climbed onto in the last 3 months or so.

I fell off the exercise wagon, the healthy eating wagon, the 8 hours of sleep wagon, the yogurt a day wagon (direction from Urologist), the water wagon (again Urologist), the urine sterilization pill wagon (again Urologist), the read to your child more wagon, keep on dishes/laundry wagon.

Whatever GOOD wagon I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.

I thought 30 days of a good habit created a habit.  To me it becomes exhausting or boring.  Then again I think I should be diagnosed with something….an emotional wreck, an emotional roller coaster.  Seriously something…like I don’t give a hoot and would rather lie in bed doing nothing because I like to feel sorry for myself.

I want a do over.

I was at my little cousin’s 2 year birthday party this weekend.  Watching her Mom and Dad with her was amazing.  She is kind of a miracle child since it took many years for my cousin to carry to term.  But, should that make you cherish your child more?

I always feel like I’m the worst mother of the year(s).  Then again I have such a habit of always focusing on the negative that I’d think that regardless.

I want a do over of the past 6 years.  I want to take my child to the park more, the zoo more, on road trips.  I want to read to her more, let her sleep in my bed more.  I want to sit on the floor and play with her more.  I want to yell at her less, snap at her less.  I want to reinforce the positive more and relax during the rough patches.  

What an impact you have on a little ones life.  A responsibility I never wanted to take on most my life.  Yet, it was for different reasons.  I didn’t want a child because I thought I’d be freaking out all the time that I couldn’t keep them safe.  That and crowning, but a c-section took care of that one.

Alas, a broken condom and my world changed.  Though I cried and cried and cried the day I found out I was pregnant I knew I could only make one choice.  I knew I’d have the child and raise that child and love that child.  I am raising her and loving her.  I guess I wish I was a better person to make her a better person.

So I can’t get a do over.  But, I can make better choices from here on out for her and for me.

Yeah, I ramble a lot.

Self Sabotage

So for 2 days I’ve told Grace we’ll go for a bike ride.

Backing up.  Work’s been busy.  That’s my excuse for not making it to the rec center on Wednesday and Thursday during the day.  Don’t make it out the door before noon then you go 7:30 at night with Grace.  The new game plan for summer is ride our bikes to the rec center, get my 30 in, ride to the butterfly garden and home.

Wednesday no rec center before noon and go to the casino with my sister.  No bike ride, no rec center.

Thursday busy with work and almost don’t leave the desk.  Forced myself to go to fridge and make egg salad sandwich when my tummy protested around noon.

Tired after work so I thought I’d lie down.  Nope, I started dinner instead.  Mistake one when I’m that tired that I think I need a nap, don’t start dinner.  Mistake two is making fried chicken for dinner.  Well, I had one more frozen package in the freezer so why waste it.  Mistake three is being stupid enough to not put it in the crock pot at noon instead of deciding to fry it.  Oh I’m so unused to fried foods now.  Didn’t realize how well I’d been doing on not eating fried foods.  

Grace wants McDonald’s I go to Subway.  We have been having more grilled or pan seared meats, and more portion control meats.  Grace isn’t a meat person so I have started buying one serving for me on those she doesn’t like.  Asking for one pork chop, one steak, etc.  Only extra on chicken breast so we can throw it in salads or make quesadillas.  She’d just live on hotdogs if I let her.

Mistake what four…stop counting them, was to tell Grace we’d go for a bike ride to the rec center and then continue our bike ride.  My stomach is screaming at me.  I lay down.  The alarm goes off, I hit snooze, Grace comes and pesters me, I hit snooze.

Compromise, bike ride to the butterfly gardens (a memorial park with flower garden plots at the hospital) and home with no stop at the rec center.  It’s almost 8:00 by then.  Get there so that’d be half way right?  LOL.  It starts pouring down.

Lesson learned.  Need a nap, take it.  Fried foods…no more back to baked, grilled, crock pot, and throw the oil out.  Say you’re going bike riding and to the gym…get your butt up and go or you’ll get yours in the end, a complete down pour!

I do it to myself.  I blow off noon workouts.  I sit at the desk and don’t eat until I’m almost sick. Then I wonder why I’m not making better progress, why my energy level still fluctuates so much.  It’s hard to make changes on your own (in your 40’s you’ve had plenty of years to form bad habits) when you are a wimp with no commitment power.  No commitment power is so true; just ask both my ex-fiancés!

But would you sleep with him?

This weekend my best friend told me he could forgive my ex but not forget.  Forgive him for threatening to beat him up, to even kill him.  For calling him names, for saying he’s a liar and a thief. I guess my best friend is a bigger man than I.

Could I forgive my ex for:

• Calling me a slut
• Calling me a whore
• Telling me I’m stupid
• That I love gambling more than him or my daughter
• That I’m raising a monster
• Constantly accusing me of cheating
• Threatening bodily harm/death to my friends/family
• Throwing/breaking things
• Lying
• Drinking, drinking, drinking

Reminds me of Ashton Sheperd’s song Look It Up.  “The words forgiveness.  Look it up.  It’s what Jesus has in store for you, but I don’t no matter what.”

Anytime I think about the relationship I really miss the newness, the beginning, pre-drinking days.  But I’d live in fear that one day, any day,  it would start all over again.

My friend didn’t ask me if I’d sleep with my ex if I saw him.  As much as I’d say no I’m sure one look at his eyes, face body, and I’d melt.  But, I’d cry before, during, and after knowing the rest would overshadow a do over in our relationship.

Forgive him?  No.  Forget?  No.  Move on?  Soon...hopefully soon.