I know I asked Grace like 20 times (more or less) last night to go to sleep. I think it was close to midnight before I didn’t hear her anymore. The dread sank in even before then. More like at 9:00 pm when she was just going to bed. Who likes Monday’s anyway? Yet knowing it would be a horrific hour to get her off to school made it even more dreadful.
Yep, fighting all morning to get her up and even get the covers off her. For being asleep she can play tug-o-war really well. Then the raspberries start, the talking back and the dagger stares. I just implode and explode. Not sure which or I guess both. Let us just say I lose it. My temper, my cool, my logic, my lovability factor goes out the nearest window. So fast and so quick it shatters the window into a million pieces. There is no recovery. The damage is done and I never know how to repair it.
Here I am screaming at a 6 year old at 7:42 in the morning. This is a good 30 minutes into trying to get her out of bed. “You’re going to be late! You only have 15 minutes! You aren’t going to have time for breakfast! Do you even want your hair done! Get OUT OF BED NOW!” That wasn’t so bad until she had started back in with her mean words and the raspberries again. I feel like I’m 6 too. How can I let a 6 year old dictate my morning? I crashed and burned. Screaming that I’m not making breakfast and that I’m not fixing her hair. She can finish getting dressed on her own and out the door on her own and I stomped off.
What is wrong with me? Not that we don’t fight but since it’s been back to just her and me it has been tenfold. Her attitude and my temper. I hear myself speaking in my head, talking to myself about keeping my cool, prioritizing my time to spend more with her. Talking to myself about what’s important and if it takes her 4 instead of 2 minutes to put on her shoes why is that any critical rule breaking element in the scheme of happiness and our relationship. It all sounds reasonable and doable. Then she talks back, won’t clean her room, doesn’t like what’s for dinner, cries if it isn’t McDonalds, drags out toys all over the living room, refuses to go into stores without lugging some stuffed animal, bag, candy, or anything that might be left behind or after 2 minutes thrust into my hands.
Now we are arguing over bedtime. Any time between 7:30 and 8:00 pm is bedtime. It’s now 7:51 and because it is so light out it must not really be her bedtime. Now the delays start. I’m hungry, I’m thirsty, can I play one more game, I forgot to put my bike in the garage, or can I take a bath…and on and on. We did have a much better evening and night. She rode her bike, played computer games, we sat and had dinner and did her homework. I told her I would stop doing anything extra for her if she continued to be ungrateful for the things she gets to do. Be happy you get to play a few computer games not upset that the time is over for games. It seemed logical to her and she did apologize once for mouthing off earlier in the evening. Yet, I feel she should be nice regardless of bribery.
Is she a product of me...6 years of my behavior. Is she just this way? Do children react by who they are, how they were raised, what they learn in school, environmental factors? Was I ever that bad? Is it as bad as it seems or is it my world crumbling making everything around me seem more out of order and chaotic? Then again her behavior with me is always 10x worse around me compared to time with Grandma or other friends and family.
But in the end I love her so deeply. In the end I give in more frequently and quicker. Is this a product of the last 5 or 6 months of my life? Trying to avoid life and whine about it instead of waking up and living it again? Am I so weak as to let my recent illness and recent break up cripple me so easily? Am I going to die soon? No. Am I going to be chronically ill? No. Am I going to be alone the rest of my life? Like I have a crystal ball!
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